when the person you love is fading away out of your mind, out of your memory, and you’re just so scared to let go. and you just…you just want to desperately hold on, hold on to hope.
i miss my LA friends! people calling about business ideas and activism. last weekend. addressing my feelings. getting a business license. i’m really excited to finally be able to pursue these things i really wanted to before… fuckin awesome.
thinking photography, business license for tutoring, collaborating with some people from UCLA MEHBEH…
it’s just been a wild ride.
“If you’re looking for the word that means caring for someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love! And when you love someone, you just don’t stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes, or call you crazy, even then, especially then!”
"There are real villains in this world. But they don’t always get real justice, do they? You want to believe karma’s gonna get them. But karma doesn’t always come through. I guess you have to accept that sometimes in life you just don’t get that knockout punch."
..but sometimes, you do.
The day you truly realize, the amount of hours, days, weeks, months, or years you have to live is a finite number, is the day you start truly living.
It’s funny how you can describe yourself as being an awful person, but someone thinks you’re brave, loving, and caring. Someone you can relate to, and doesn’t make you feel judged. SO THEY DO EXIST!
I wish her I can get her a job here.
I wish things would go back to when I didn’t worry about death and losing someone, when I didn’t worry about healing from being broken, where I didn’t feel like I was abandoned or given up on, where I didn’t worry about being alone, just back to a time when I didn’t have to grow up. To a time, when it was easy to be knocked down and get right back up. When my only worry was what snack did I want to trade that day.
I hide myself with work, friends, family, school, and distractions. I wish I had someone I felt wouldn’t ever make me betrayed, someone I fully trust, someone I can be my full self with and never feel judged. Someone that wouldn’t make me feel inadequate, that wouldn’t make me feel overlooked and remind me I am important.
Maybe, I already know that person. Maybe, that person is a future me.
Not sure where to say this, Facebook didn’t seem right. I just wanted a memory of it. Of the feeling. I’m too sick to talk to anyone, but I can text which I have been doing. :D
I feel like I’m trying to make big decisions now, but it has occurred to me I don’t really want to be a nurse - because I don’t want to clean up poop. (but something can convince me otherwise) and decided I want to be a primary care doctor or work in surgery or trauma.
So how to explore trauma, an EMT class. How to explore primary care, medical assisting.
First the EMT class. I’ve had the flu and walked in, a bunch of white guys, either military, conservative families, I’m just like FUCK THIS and text Christine, “I WANT OUT. I WANT OUT!” I was waitlisted, so I was going to see if I wanted to stay in this class or not.
One of the coordinators walked in and talked. 2 years ago, I discussed something about budget cuts and a certain proposition. I thought this was the guy that fuckin hounded me on the topic in front of the entire staff through email. (Luckily, the name was familiar, but he wanted to speak at his class!) But I tried to remember and remember, but in my mind I was like “I probably hate this guy.”
Also going through my mind, I want to stop judging people. They may have different thoughts and views, but I’m like eh fuck it, judge all you want. AND TURNS OUT, WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON than I thought. Maybe a little variation and tweaks…but yeah. I guess I should stop stereotyping firefighters, policemen, parademics, shitfucks… jk! :p
20 minutes in, someone walks in. OH MY GOD. It’s my old lab partner, the person I shared Chem Labs and Bio Labs with, every goddamn morning at 7am. I was so happy to see him. We transferred at the same time, he went to UC Davis and I went to UCLA. He rocked it there. His friends with a lot of my mutual friends, though every time we all were going to go to a bar, I couldn’t - whether I was driving, or getting out of work late. Both of us are thinking about applying to medical school. He waited a year because his girlfriend had thyroid cancer, I’m definitely waiting for grades to improve and also my father. BUT NOW WE ARE BACK AT COMMUNITY COLLEGE. IT IS SERIOUSLY LIKE WE JUST CAME FULL CIRCLE.
okay..maybe it was not that crazy, but the moment was.
The community colleges are different now. It’s strange, but it’s always great to see a familiar face.
(Separate post one day about my dad…one day… it’s just all been going so fast, the last two nights were the first time I’ve stayed in the for the past 8 weeks. The material I am learning though, I hope it will be useful and hopefully for my parents)
i guess it’s cause i have horrible sleep if i sleep past 3.
when your prof emails you about a grade that needs to be turned in tomorrow - it’s like i didn’t graduate! ha.
but alas, it delayed me for today..
life feels like it is going soooo fast.