I had a lot of fun today, I had a lot of wonderful conversations and laughs and realizations. Practicing my photography.
Why I love my job, why I can make a difference. Why you can turn someone’s life around.
Why some conversations can get me to start thinking about grad school and med school.
Having other people graduating too. So weird. So bittersweet. I wish I was more eloquent in how I spoke about this topic, but there are no words that express this gratitude.
UCLA Snaps are fucking hilarious!!!
Ah. Enjoying life. Enjoying what I do.
Why I realize, it’s important for me to walk and to not just throw it away.
where my problems and fears take ahold of me…
but as soon as i enter a space where they talk about the UCLA Divest movement that’s become a national movement, and the need to address palestinian injustices. a place being my shy self where I gain the courage to go up in front of everyone and speak (and even be funny!!) about our solidarity and try to build with these groups and network.
and then head over to the info session to show my support about the filipino movement. reactivate my facebook look at my large network of friends as an advantage and a way to share struggles, share events.
i realize my problems go away and i start to focus on something much bigger.
and realize, maybe all I needed was this love and fire in my life.
Occasionally, there are days where I feel like running. Like today. Leaving everything behind to start a new life. Letting go of everyone. Letting go of everything I am familiar with and running. Running away.
I’ve had this notion since I was a child. I’ve wanted to run away - packing my bags, leaving my phone, no contact. no nothing and a new city. However, instead of doing that it took on other forms. Whether it’d be an older boyfriend that took my breath away, running away from home, getting in trouble, a full-time job, and the ultimate favorite and most admirable: a goal. I used it for school. I’m supposed to be graduating… I even advocated injustices just to run away.
It’s weird to think that even at 12 years old, I had dreams of getting out. Getting the fuck out of there and never coming back. Never coming back to the pain I felt. Never coming back to people I felt have done me wrong. Being alone and being on the run. NEVER getting hurt because why would you hurt the closest person to you? Yourself.
Maybe, one day soon I might do it. I might have the guts to leave LA and trash my phone. Notify the people I need to.
But what am I running from?
My therapist told me to think about pros and cons of avoiding my problems.
CONS: it escalates, harder to face, causes anxiety.
PRO: that i NEVER have to FUCKIN deal with them.
Leaving everything shitty behind, meant also leaving everything and everyone wonderful behind. Can I compromise? Do I even want to compromise?
when I was six I threw a tantrum because I wanted a slushie from 711 and I remember my dad said “I will never buy you a slushie” AND LITERALLY RIGHT NOW HE CAME IN THE CAR WITH A SLUSHIE AND I WAS LIKE WHY DIDNT YOU GET ME ONE AND HE LOOKED ME DEAD IN THE EYE AND SAID “REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE SIX”